I realized that all the odds are against me.
I don't have a publicist.
I don't have a publisher.
I don't have a large audience interested in reading my book, but I'm SUPER grateful for those who are. =D
I'm not popular anywhere.
I'm a debut author.
And a whole list of other things.
I had a hard time writing yesterday, nothing I wanted to come out, would. I gave up and tossed my keyboard under my desk and spent the rest of the day as far away from my computer as I possibly could. And then I got a discouraging email that totally knocked me off my feet, reminding me how not perfect Twisted is.
I think I've lost hope in my books, my plots, and my characters, and worst of all. I think I've lost faith in myself. I don't even want to bother writing, I mean what's the point if I'm just going to mess up? I tried so hard yesterday that I burned out. There's nothing left. I don't want to write Twisted I don't want to write anything at all and it's a miracle that I'm even writing this blog!
But now I feel lost. If I'm not an author, then what am I? An artist? A loser? A no one?
I'm also stuck with the problem of realizing that I'm in 12th grade (nearly) and I have no way to pay for college. So I'm going to watch all those snotty girls that I grew up with in my neighborhood as they go on a free ride to college in the cars their parents bought for them as I stay home ultimately shamed because I don't have any money to go to a stupid college, even a bloody community college!
I'm sorry for whining, but I don't have any hope right now. I feel like I've been locked in a dark closet without a doorknob or hinges on my side and my worst enemy on the other side laughing at my pleads to be let out.
And on top of that I get to add another person to the list of people who like to ignore me. My sister's boyfriend came over yesterday and I was trying to just be myself but let's face, there's only one other person in the world who actually liked me for me. My dad tells me that I give off bad vibes sometimes telling people to go away, but that's only because I'm getting vibes from them and what I was getting from my sister's boyfriend was the general vibe of you're really weird! I'm going to pretend you're not in this room.
I was stunned.
Hurt.
Further broken.
My sister and I have always planned that our boyfriends (my imaginary one, you know, the only boy actually interested in me after Steve) were going to be like best friends with each other and all of us. My sister's would clearly be happier if me and my weirdness weren't in the room.
I gave up.
I'm sorry if I'm depressing you, but inspirational this blog post is NOT. I can't talk about it to anyone because they don't know how to help, and I'd just get a big rant about how much money my parents spent to pay for the edit of a book that is currently never going to see the light of day because I'm sick and tired of fighting. The opposition has become immense and I don't have anyone I can turn to in my corner to help combat it.
So right now I'm a little lost.
Hopeless.
Stuck.
I don't know how to get out.
I'm also stuck wearing a skirt until my laundry gets done and I'm not terribly fond of wearing skirts on any day except for Sunday.
And my overall explanation for the past few days is what happened yesterday. We were eating ice cream and I couldn't get it out of the stupid container, it was one of those big one gallon tub of ice cream that'd been in the freezer so like trying to chip apart a rock. I couldn't get anything out and the spoon I was using bent and my brother told me to go complain somewhere else, so I sat in my room eating my melting ice cream and tried not to cry. It was just everything building up to where I couldn't get ice cream out. Stupid how those dumb things are the breaker moments when the dam comes down. I didn't cry, but I sure felt busted.
I feel SO bad that I didn't read this until today, when you're probably feeling at least a little better. I wish I had responded sooner!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about your pain, Tayla. If it makes you feel better, quit on writing for a little while. When a better day comes along you will want to pick it up again. And you are NOT a no-one. I have felt that same way SO many times! Just earlier this year I was certain I was done writing permanently. Do you want to know what the hardest part of deciding that was? I questioned what I am and what else I have to contribute. I ended up not being able to give it up so here I still am--still not published and odds against me. Not always the funnest spot. But I say that if you're not feeling it and you're frustrated then slam the door on writing for a little while until you feel better.
But please don't stop blogging. I mean, you can if you want (obviously) but I'd miss your blog postings.
Once your sister's boyfriend gets to know you better he's going to love you. If he doesn't then I'm sorry for him for never getting to know you.
And (sorry, this is a very long comment) as hard as it is watching everyone else get free rides in college, you can still do it. Even if you don't get any scholarships, there are student loans available. Now you're probably thinking, "great--now I get a lecture," sorry about that. But coming from one who paid her own way through school--including more student loans than I wanted--I can tell you that even when the loans were racking up I felt good about the fact that I was doing it and I was paying (or at least would eventually pay) my way through.
I hope you're feeling a little better.
It's okay that you had a lot to say. It helped :) I'm not going to quit blogging, and definitely not going to stop writing. I'd crazy! Thanks for your comment. =D
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