And She Sinks a Little Lower

I know yesterday's post was not that happy. Today's will not be that happy either. I have this problem with emotionally riding the roller-coaster until I feel like my head's going to fall off.
So they say that teenaged girls are constantly fretting about their weight, fact or myth? At least for me, you don't need the Mythbusters to crack this one. I feel great about myself until I start looking around and thinking whoa! she's so thin! Why can't I be that thin!? I've struggled against the "YOU ARE FAT!" thoughts since I was like twelve and today, the thoughts are almost unbearable.
My sisters are even thinner than me, I feel like a fat ugly toad among swans when I'm around them. I know this ain't normal, but what girl hasn't looked down at herself and thought whoa! there is way too much of me there!
I read this book called Perfect, I don't remember who it was by, and it was about a girl who had bulimia, and it nearly made me cry. I felt the same way, like when I sit my thighs moosh out about three miles, and it feels like no matter what I do, I can't get rid of that stomach. Everyone claims I'm not fat, but I'm beginning to wonder if they're lying, I certainly don't feel skinny and I'd much rather be a stick than a log, if you get my meaning.
I know, this has nothing to do with my books, or violin, but I am IMPLODING! I need to get this out before I do something dramatic. I think it has something to do with the pair of pants I'm wearing, they're way too big for me, like I can pull them out an inch on either side. I'm thinking I should go change and see if that makes a difference and then perhaps I'll burn these pants, I'm feeling that kindly towards them.
Still, I'm not feeling all that happy towards myself today. I even caught myself thinking don't look in the mirror! Don't look in the mirror! I'm predicting it's going to be a REALLY long rest of the day.
And another downside, I'm going on vacation next week and that's also when my editor predicts that my book will arrive in the mail.
Another one, a lot of girls in my church are at girl's camp right now. I'm stuck in a mix between want to be there and glad I'm not. I didn't go because of my health issues that BTW have not gone away and have steadily gotten worse. So when I keel over, will the doctors FINALLY figure out what's wrong with me?
Okay, reason why I'm a little miffed about not going to girl's camp. They're going to ride horses. I'd like to do that, just sit on a horse for a couple of hours. I know some of you are probably thinking about the welfare of your sitters right now, but I consider that fun, because it's like what my characters would be doing.
I've been BEGGING to ride horses at girl's camp (okay, strongly hinting at times, not really begging) since my first year five years ago and because I'm sick with something no one can figure out, I can't go.
Yeah, I know, I'm really drudging up the dark sides of life right now and that's why I'm writing it down. You know a real lift off the shoulders to get it out. Now I'm going to go get a real lift off my hips and go change into a pair of pants I like.