The Goodbye Before Hello

I know I sometimes seem to go on forever about death (wraiths) but I need to take a moment and write about the importance of life.
Some of you may be wondering what happened about two weeks  ago  (the something awful has happened) that was so traumatic that I'd write that. For a full explanation you need the back story. Roughly three and a half years ago my youngest sister (at the time) died and was a still born. It was the first time a death had happened in my family and we were all so shocked we literally could do nothing but stare at each other and cry over the tiny body of my sister.
It was shocking.
Even more was when a year later in I think it was April, maybe early May my mom told me that she was once again pregnant. Unfortunately my older sister, father, and I were the only ones who officially knew because shortly after Hope (the baby) was miscarried.
It was horrifying. We honestly couldn't believe that it would happen to us again.
And then roughly a month ago my parents announced that my mom was pregnant for the ninth time. I was a little disconcerted by this because I would be 18  years old than the baby, but I didn't need to worry about it. Two weeks later I heard my mother talking in her bathroom. It was one of those things, you know? Where you just know that something awful has happened? I knew without question that when my mother told me that the first baby (my still born sister) hadn't moved in two days that my sister was gone.
I knew when my mom was crying in the bathroom after spotting blood with Hope that Hope was no more.
I knew while listening to my mom talking in her bathroom that it was going to happen for a third time.
Is this some weird sister sense? I suppose I knew from the start that my still born sister wouldn't join our family. I didn't want to think that way with Hope and Jason.  We all hoped that Jason would be different, that he would join our family instead of leaving it before we even saw him.
Wrong.
It's weird now because my mom was craving all kinds of food when she was pregnant with Jason. We used to joke about it and I miss hearing her talk about how the baby wants orange juice and nine o'clock at night.
Some people may claim that because Jason was miscarried at 12 weeks he wouldn't even qualify as a person. I don't think those people have souls. My brother was very much alive and very much a person and I miss him. I really wish that I could have seen him alive, at least for one hour before God called him home.
Truthfully I'm kind of scared to be a mother. I know that's probably years from now, but still. I've seen too much death to NOT be worried. I don't know if I could handle it if it happened to me. It's why I admire my mom. She's incredibly strong, holding us together even though she's hurting. Thank you, Mom.
Because of this sudden  and completely unexpected death, my writing has become a little bitter. I'm writing the back story of the Secret Keeper and am currently at the time when his living self dies. It makes me so sad because I never expected to feel the emotions of his family as strongly as I do. Death is unexpected. It's not very welcome, especially when I had to say goodbye before I was allowed to say hello.