It's a true statement. All writers (at least the ones I know) are a little mad. We spend hours upon hours by ourselves with a computer and a keyboard and imaginary people. I think that I've tipped the scales of mad and gone towards crazy.
Yes the crazy train has left the station with Tayla Durham aboard.
Today was another bad day. I saw an interview with a famous author on TV and while it was somewhat encouraging I felt crushed. How on earth would I ever attain that level? That they would interview me on a TV channel that hardly anyone watches?
Crush. Bang. Crash.
It's difficult to play the violin and cry, I'm just going to say that, at least the violin was noisy enough to hide the fact that I was sobbing and giving it a bath in my tears. (=D)
About the crazy, well I'm desperate for anything. As I was playing and crying an idea popped into my head. I'm going so slooow on publizing Twisted so I figured why not.
Here's where it gets a bit crazy. You may have to cringe away from this one. In no means am I big on Facebook, the most time I've spent was probably an hour and that was to make a Facebook page for Twisted, (you can see it here, feel free to like, I'll love you forever if you do ;D) and today was no different, but I did something crazy.
I went onto several author pages, authors that I greatly respect and their books have given me courage and ideas for my book. I went onto their pages and left a message practically begging for help.
Don't think I'm crazy?
I do.
I was mumbling "Tayla, you're crazy!" as I did it.
Now we'll just see if any of them respond.
I doubt they will, but I suppose it was worth a try. Better to shoot than just to hold the gun and hope the prey comes to you.
Sorry horrible analogy that I just made up.
Anyway, I'm still gritting my teeth over the whole job option, but I'm pointing towards Gardner Village, it's a historical town somewhat nearby. I wouldn't mind working there, it has an atomosphere a bit like Tilt, a town in Twisted. I really don't like the idea that it means that I'll be making money. That sounds wrong, ummm I mean I don't like the idea that I'll be making money, thereby meaning that I'll be opening the door for tax and then debt and just to be clear I'm in a financial lit class and thereby have been learning WAAAY too much about debt and the whole enchilada.
And that was a really long paragraph. My editor would not approve. She kept telling me to make. my sentences. short.
Haha.
Yes, so I'm feeling a little wild, a little worried that the authors I messaged are going to think I'm a total lunatic. I'm struggling here and I read the biography of one of the authors and I know that this author started out in the same place as me, plus he's the same religion as me, so I think that he might (no crossed fingers here!) help.
But I've had a bad history of asking for help and getting none. Take all the riding instructors I called and emailed last year for example. Practically every single riding stable in the state of UTAH! Okay, all the ones I could find online and in the phone book. Yes. I was desperate enough to use those good ol' yellow pages. I hate using the phone and it killed me to not get an answer. I left message after message and got nothing. Then one stable I got a riding lesson from wouldn't call back and...augh! long story short I'm kind of nervous.
I'm scrambling for ideas, literally. I don't know what to do! That's why I'm so scared. They say fear comes from the loss of control (which is why I hate elevators and mines and mine elevators for a double whammy!) and I feel like I'm on a really big horse and the reins just slid through my fingers. I'm groping for them. Nada.
I feel like I'm in that scene from Tangled where Flynn asks Rapunzel if she's okay and she says that she's terrified that her dream won't be as good as she imagined.
Unfortunately I don't have a roguishly handsome man asking me if I'm okay. I have myself and my suddenly busy family. It seems like the more I need them the busier they get. Especially my sister. Oh if only I could talk to her for longer than five minutes and not have that "well" moment. She understands how I feel and was the one to tell me that there must be something great planned for my book.
I don't feel so now.
If there's something so great, why is it getting ignored?
I drew a picture of my villain (sorry, he objected to the simple statement of "bad guy") and colored it in because I wanted to see the color scheme of him. He's hanging on my wall now and every time I look at him (creepy skull and all) and I want to cry. Will all that work and struggling to create something with a whole different world be ignored? Did I waste my time working on creating a dynamic villain when I should have been working in a job?
I don't know. I really don't know.
Fear is the loss of control and from the unknown. Perhaps I'm afraid because I don't know what's going to come tomorrow (and by tomorrow I mean like forever in the future) and because I really don't have much control that I can see.
Either way I should still be proud of myself. I've done the impossible. I'm eighteen-years-old and I am a published author. I was always a bit crazy to begin with, so why not? Why can't I achieve the impossible? Who was so bold as to say that I, Tayla Durham, couldn't have a best seller?
I give you all permission to laugh at me when it happens. You can leave endless comments of hahahahahaha told you so!
For I am not a quitter.
I began this journey
and I intend to finish it.
I did not begin to quit
And I'm not going to quit because it got hard.
For I am not a quitter!
Here's my Facebook page for Twisted, I'm trying to keep it up to date, but lately I've been trying to finish another book. I'll take more pictures, promise :)
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Twisted/168658493335482
And here is where you can purchase a Kindle version of Twisted on Amazon.
http://www.amazon.com/Twisted-Tayla-Durham-ebook/dp/B00FWT4BHW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1383090506&sr=8-1&keywords=Twisted+Tayla+Durham
I hurt for you. I know you're frustrated and I wish this weren't part of the road you're traveling. I'm glad that you're determined because that's going to get you past this.
ReplyDeleteTayla, the fact that your book has a slow start does not mean it's a bad book. Right now there are potential fans sitting in their homes completely unaware of who you are and what your book is. I don't say this to give you another blow. I just want you to know you're on the right path and it takes time. Keep doing what you're doing. Writing another book is going to be the best thing. And then another. And then another. While you do that, find ways to market the book--eventually books--that you've already written. It'll be slower than some of the #1 sellers you are comparing yourself to because they have more marketing dollars to work with. The best product in the world will not be purchased until people know about it. With time you can get there. I know you can.
And I think your plan to work at Gardner Village is a great one. I really do think that you can find jobs that you enjoy working while you continue writing. And as frightening as all your class discussions on debt are, thank your lucky stars that you are learning that BEFORE bankruptsy--because it's a lesson a lot of people don't learn until after. If you're smart with your money you will find a lot of satisfaction in supporting yourself. And you're entering the financial world with your head on straight so you'll be just fine.
Thanks Rachel. I know that the best things take time. Look at how long I had to wait before I was finally able to work with horses (nearly 10 years!) It also took a long time before I had a book idea that would actually work (Twisted) so I'm willing to wait. I know that it won't be ignored. Given time people will notice.
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