I'm also reading it to my dad. He thinks I've done a good job at portraying my characters as they are. Meaning, I don't try to force them to be something they're not. For instance, in the past few drafts (except maybe the first one) I was unknowingly forcing the Secret Keeper to be a blabbermouth. In reality, he's quiet! He hardly if ever speaks. What voice does come from the shrouded hood is whispery and unnatural. A blabbermouth? No, I'll leave that to Aster and Allie.
I mentioned a few posts ago that I didn't think I had anything to write. I finished the final edit of Twisted (!!!!!) and took a week off.
It was a good week.
Anyway, I sat down yesterday and I started writing about one of my favorite characters. It was scene that kept popping back into my head and I decided to finally put it on paper.
I have one word for it.
Whoa.
I've really tried to throw in everything I learned from my editor. No repeating words (can't help that until you reread) keep the action going, show actions between dialog!
The final one was the real killer for the fifth version of Twisted. (Yes, six drafts! The second book is going on eight.) I rarely put action between dialog, it was always he said she said. Or since I write in present tense, it's she says and he says. Action between dialog can be a great way to show character emotions. Rather than adding a tag line (hold on! I'll explain this!) You can show instead.
For instance. I'm going to use two of my characters, Aster and Allie. They don't get along very well and I'm going to have them fight, which happens so easily, but it's a good way to show you.
This first example is full of tag lines. A tag line is what you see at the end of dialog. It runs something like this, she said cattily. Cattily is the tag line. It shows how she said it.
Here's the scene. Aster and Allie are standing by a forest. Snow is falling. It's cold, their breath steams. (Just to set it up, *smiley face.)
"You should've come sooner!" Allie cried.
Aster rolled his eyes. "Stop being so dramatic, kid," he said tiredly.
"I'll stop being so dramatic when you stop being late!" Allie snapped angrily.
"I wasn't late. I was delayed. There's a difference," Aster said.
"Yeah? And what is it?" Allie sniffed.
Okay, that's the end of the example. It hurts. I just got done editing endless lines of that (except it was all from first person, third person with these two is a new experience for me) and my inner editor is screaming at me to fix it.
Didn't it drive you crazy? There's so much ly running around if you read it aloud it would start to sound funny. I only had one line of action! Rolling of the eyes doesn't mean much unless you put an emotion behind it. I once got in trouble for rolling my eyes at my third grade teacher. It wasn't on purpose, (I was ten!) I certainly didn't mean any harm, but she nearly blew her top for an emotionless action. Had I thrown emotion behind it, she would have seen it. My body posture would have said something like I disrespect you and everything you stand for. That is a bit extreme, but you get the gist right?
Also it was an endless world of said and Aster and Allie. Names can be overused! I probably used names up to seven times in one paragraph! Eep! That gets tiring especially when your character has a long name. Said can also be overused. It is disappearing text, meaning it vanishes among the dialog, BUT if you use it too much it can drive you CRAZY. I noticed this in the Black Stallion and the Shape Shifter by Steven Farley. Every line of dialog ended with said. It stuck out to me and I lost track of the story because I was to busy focusing on said!
Also, too many !!! exclamation points can be overwhelming! They sound like they're barking at it each other! It's tiring to read!
Sooo, to fix this, what do you do?
I'll write the scene again.
"You should've come sooner." Allie's voice was stretched taut. Her fingers picked at the buttons on her coat. She didn't seem to notice that she had nearly plucked one of the silver circles off the fraying fabric.
Aster lifted his eyes to her face. She was tense. He faked an eye roll hoping she'd read it as everything was okay. "Stop be so dramatic, kid."
Her brown eyes dimmed. The shaking hands dropped from the button. "When you stop being late, I'll stop being dramatic," Allie said.
"I wasn't late. I was delayed. There's a difference."
She clearly wasn't buying his act. Aster sighed inwardly. He was too exhausted to try and convince her otherwise. She'd learn sooner or later.
"Yeah? And what is it?" Allie's voice held an edge of stress. Her brown eyes screamed in silence. She was guessing.
Tada! I hope that was easier to read. Makes you want to know more right? I'll spare you the suspense. Aster is about to tell Allie that one of her friends passed away. I tried showing his apprehension about telling her. I never came outright and said "he was apprehensive." Showing grabs your readers. It makes them care. I hope you cared. It's a sad scene. (Sorry, first one that popped into my head.)
I went low and slow on exclamation marks. You shouldn't have endless lines of them. I have a rule. I either put one after the first line or the final one.
"I wasn't sure what to do! I grabbed hold and hoped."
Or...
"I wasn't sure what to do. I grabbed hold and hoped!"
It all depends on the dramatic emphasis you want to create. I don't think an exclamation mark is appropriate in the scene above. A hero has died. The mood should be quiet and respectful. The only place I'd consider putting it is when Allie whispers no.
"No!" Her mouth barely uttered the word. Her eyes screamed it.
There should be no screaming, unless I want her to go into a mad raving rage, but hello! The girl is seventeen, I think she's a bit old for that. ;)
I know. In this knew example, I put said in once. I've gotten into a habit of that and have to reign myself in sometimes. I'd say (as a rule for myself) that you can put said in about three times before you should plop some actions into place.
One last bit, then I'll be done.
My biggest challenge for dialog was when I discovered that the Secret Keeper isn't a real speaker. I mean think about it. He's undead. They're not natural speakers. The ones blessed with speech have to struggle to make themselves heard. Their voices are whispery and faint, like death itself. When we talk we punctuate almost every word with breath. When someone is talking right behind you (I mean literally, on your neck) you can feel their breath, warm and slightly awkward.
The undead don't speak like that. It's why they sound hoarse, forced, whispered, and quiet. The Secret Keeper rarely speaks unless he has to. His language is elsewhere. Wraiths speak with movements. For TSK a hood tilted away can mean he doesn't want to look at you, he doesn't trust himself to look at you, or he's thinking about ditching you. That was hard to manage, it took a lot of thinking and studying. I'm not ashamed to say that I watched a lot of LOTR, studying how the Nazgul moved. After time I could pick out individual movements, like on Weathertop. If you watch how they approach the hobbits, you can tell that they are lapping it up. The poor hobbits are terrified, wraiths feed on fear. The more afraid you are, the more power you give them. It's why most people die during wraith attacks. Aragorn survived because he refused to give into his fear. He was afraid. Who wouldn't be! But instead of cowering, he reacted. Wraiths hate that.
It was not natural for me to think like that. The Secret Keeper blahed, yakked, and yammered until it finally clicked in this draft. It was almost like he grabbed me, shook me a little and snapped, "Hello? I would not say that!"
I was like, "Okay! I got it. Let go!"
More than half of his dialog disappeared. He began acting. The shrouded head lifted, the spidery fingers flicked. He (not in so many words) came alive on the page. Before this draft it was hard to tell how the Secret Keeper was different from humans, now I'm slightly afraid of him, but that's only because you're viewing him from a human vantage. Wait until you see him from his own vantage point.
"Give up..." great gasping heave. "the Halfling...hold on, gotta catch my breath! She-elf!"
Then Arwen's voice is pure and living. There's a difference.
I loved your examples of changing/adding to dialogue by interjecting actions. Your negative example was sterile and boring. The improved dialogue was gripping. Good job! I think you hit the nail on the head as to both the how and the why of it. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I liked what you said about dealing with wraiths. I've never been confronted by them in my writing. It sure must be a different thing writing for undead. :)
It is different writing for the undead. I doubt they've ever had an advocate before, people always say undead=EVIL my view is something a little different. They represent things in Twisted.
DeleteAnd yes, the dialog was fun to write. :)