It's actually this little thing inside me that is screaming, "I'm SICK of being a novice!"
While I was at violin lessons on Wednesday, Amy's other student (Angel, I think) came in while I was squeaking out 'God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen' worse than a dying duck with something stuck down its throat.
I was totally humiliated, I know, I know. I'm still a beginner, but that didn't stop me from feeling stupid because I couldn't get my fingers to cooperate.
I've been stuck as a novice, (that's equestrian talk for someone who isn't very good) for a long time in a lot of things because I didn't have the money to take more lessons. Riding lessons was a complete disaster, how exactly are you supposed to learn when you bounce from barn to barn over and over again?
It's the solemn truth, since I was 10, I've bounced from Dimple Dell (I think that's the barn name) to Vista Farms, to some one's backyard, St. Jude Equestrian Center, Daniel's Training Center, and then Horse Lover's Haven. I had to switch because the riding instructor either quit on me, or stopped taking my calls, that's why I took up the violin, horses just weren't working for me. I wanted to improve as a rider, but the moment I started getting better, things changed, I had to swap barns, this year after the last riding instructor bailed out, I lost my will to keep fighting.
And here I am again, a beginner. You know that person to the side, the wannabe that everyone finds SOOO annoying. I want to improve, but I'm always worried that there's something I'm doing wrong, yes I tool piano lessons for about two years (not in a row, I quit, then went back, quit again...) but there is still so much about music that I just don't know and I feel stupid whenever I say, "I don't know," but I suppose that's better than lying right?
Sheesh, wouldn't life be easier if we could just be instantly perfect at anything we picked up?
And in the meantime, I'm getting kind of frustrated with this blog. No one is reading it (Except for you, so thank you!!!! Big hug through the computer screen!) I set this blog up in an attempt to get people's attention and I'm feeling quite put up with it. Will I forever be a loser that no one wants to associate with, even by reading my blog? Do I ooze toxic waste that I can't see that keeps people from wanting to come close to me? Or is there something else wrong with me? I've ALWAYS been a loser. I've ALWAYS been that girl in the corner that people wish would just vanish so they wouldn't have to breathe the same air as me and no matter WHAT I do, I can't change it. What friends I do make only need me for about five seconds before hurling me over their shoulder (that's what I call a tissue paper friend, they blow their nose of worries on you and then throw you away covered in their trash)
Yeah. I'm ranting. I'm really fed up with this unchangeable loser quality I have. I don't know why, I'm not boring, (I think) I'm just different and no one can handle my eccentric ways.
In the meantime, I've started picking up on something one of my characters says. He's a Flynn Rider and Captain Jack Sparrow type so he's got personality and says, "bloody" a lot (not followed by a swear word, I don't swear, it's crude and no one is impressed by swearers) and I've started saying bloody too. Oops. Influenced by someone who isn't real, but isn't that how life goes for authors? We're crazy because we have a LOT of imaginary friends!
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