Hit and Rise

I did mean to post something yesterday, but I forgot...yeah, my brain. It's not functioning so well right now, you know, right after Christmas break and everything. I bet even rocket scientists are having a hard time getting up and going after two weeks worth of sleeping in.
On Monday I found some news that was incredibly startling and upsetting (putting it mildly) one of my friends is doing incredibly well with their interests. I'm not. It was a real hit to the face to see how well they were doing. I'm doing the best I can, why not me?
I was pretty well screaming why!? at God. It was probably the worst break down I've ever had. It felt so unfair that this person is doing so well in half the time it's taken me to get where I am now (still not so well) I was sobbing, those sobs where tears are falling and your mouth is hanging open but you're so heart broken you don't really consider breathing to be important. I jammed in the earbuds and listened to a song I put to rest about five years ago.
The song's about broken dreams and walking where no one else is. Exactly how I feel sometimes. Broken. Alone. Forgotten. I'm perfectly fine today because I'm writing the second book (not Entangled anymore) and I've managed to cook myself up a villain that scares me. Not in the Ahhh! It's a big eyeball called Sauron! kind of scary, it's the I'm terrified to be in the same room with you because of what you might do to me, kind of a fear. My villain is a conniving lying little demon! He's kind of like Maldor in Beyonders by Brandon Mull (great series BTW, I have a signed copy of the second book!) Maldor doesn't kill his enemies in the normal sense. He strips them of themselves.
The sting of the news still hurts at raw moments. I'm really happy for my friend, but I have to wonder why people keep getting what I'm working for. It's like they're not even trying while I'm sweating and working myself to death.
And I keep having these weird dreams.
It's a life and death kind of drama and I know how to solve the problem.
Make it all go away.
But when I try telling the people around me in my dream they won't listen. I start screaming at them, but they can't hear me. Won't hear me. It's kind of scary in the dream, especially when your siblings are being cooked and are dying or having their minds controlled by some powerful evil source.
I scream and I scream, they won't hear a thing.
I don't wake up frustrated, just a little baffled and annoyed at my iPod for doing its duty as an alarm.
What does it mean?