The Journey

Ere the wind blows

There my heart goes

One with the wild storm

Treading where the blizzards swarm

Here are trails I have endlessly tread

Walking among the nameless dead

 

It is a path I must take

Walking without a single break

I began this path to walk away

Running from my safe bay

Walking where the storms wail

A captain without a ship or sail

 

The snow whirls without relief

Capturing my endless grief

What would I have been had I halted

Before all breath had departed?

No! It is a question I must not ask

In the winter storm I will bask

 

I became a monster to walk away

I am safe in winter, I will stay

A path of endless winter, endless snow

It is all my winter soul will know

It is the path my eyes cannot see

A blind wanderer on an endless journey

Tayla is Gone

Hey there readers I have some shocking news to tell you. Honestly it's not that old, only something I HAVEN'T been telling you. It's kind of a lie, but kind of not. More like a mask, a mask I'm sick and tired of wearing. It's really the reason I haven't been blogging so much. I hate this mask. I don't want to wear it anymore.
To really understand this story I need to take you back about ten years. Imagine a little girl. This little girl has bright red hair, loads of freckles, blue eyes and is really unsure of herself. She's not exactly popular, in fact she's really ignored, left behind, shoved to the sidelines.
Forgotten.
This girl has tried to fit in, she was once friends with the "in girls" but somehow they drifted apart. No longer friends she watches as they go to parties, share clothing and hand out pieces of gum to everyone except for her. She can distinctly remember a time when someone peeked his head into the classroom and looked at the "in girls."
"They're all wearing red!" he says, then his eyes fall on the girl. "Except for her, she didn't get the memo, did she?"
This little girl goes home and cries often.
This little girl struggles to make herself like them. She doesn't feel that she's good enough, she's too fat, her hair is too red, she doesn't like what they do, but she can't force herself to. No matter what she does she can't make herself seen.
She begins to see colors, like a box of crayons. Everyone else is vibrant hues of the most beautiful greens, blues, pinks, yellows, and black. All the colors people use when drawing. The little girl feels as if she is the last crayon taken out of the crayon box, or taken out first and quickly forgotten. She feels like she's a white crayon. No one wants to use a white crayon, it's the last one to loose its point, the first one to be tossed aside. No one uses it much because it won't show it. It colors the color "Completely Invisible."
The little girl feels as if she is this crayon color, "Completely Invisible" and it's hard not to when everyone else is seen and she isn't. When she tries to make herself seen people stare, then rapidly leave, or she feels unnatural like she's stepping too far from her color. The "white crayon" wins every battle. She remains invisible.
Then one day the girl realizes she has a power. She can write and by writing she releases every ounce of ugliness inside of her, but she still isn't see, so she figures that she can't be herself, she has to hide so no one knows that the white crayon is trying to be seen.
This little girl gives herself a pen name.
And that pen name is Tayla Durham.
But she still isn't seen.

So if you're following along in the story you've realized that the little girl is me. I can't tell you how many times I felt like I was shoved into a corner and forgotten. I was a white crayon. I went home and cried more times than I can count. The story covers about ten years of my life and I'll be honest, the story is ending there.
Here's the truth, my name isn't Tayla Durham. You can't even spell that out of the letters of my real name. I came up with that pen name after I wrote my first book The Kelpie's Grim, Forgotten, it just seemed natural to toss aside my real name and pin a name that didn't belong to anyone to it. Tayla Durham was born.
It was fun at first, pretending to be Tayla. It was like a fresh slate, none of me involved with that name. Tayla was someone completely new. That's why I introduced myself in this blog as Tayla. I was someone new, I could start over blaring my colors, but the truth is, I was really trying to hide the white crayon. I'm tired of hiding.
It's not fun anymore.
Eventually "Tayla" turned into a mask. I spent so much time underneath it that when someone called me by my real name, it was weird, like "who is that? Only Tayla is here."
I grimace now, just looking at the name. It came from a girl I met at Oakcrest who's name was Tayla, I liked the name and the girl wasn't a white crayon like I was. Durham came from a book, not sure which the only one that comes to mind is from the Thoroughbred series by Joanne Campell. one of the character's (Melanie) last name was Graham, and I guess that's where I got Durham from.
At first I didn't use the name at all. It was this fancy thing that I could toss around like "they'll be so happy when they learn Tayla Durham used this to write her book, lalala!" It was like I was talking about a different person. Then I tried to become Tayla. I liked it at first, I went to institute and there was a person there who had a name similar to my real one and the teacher (awesome guy ;D) couldn't tell our names apart. I snapped and said, "Just call me, Tayla. It's my pen name."
And people forgot my real one.
Even here I was faking me. All of the problems and struggles I've written on this blog were real, Tayla is not. Tayla is a mask, a cloak, my hiding place. I'm not hiding anymore.
Here's the truth.

I am not "Tayla Durham"

My name is Kristen Cox.

No, this isn't another hoax. My name really is Kristen and I'll tell you, it's a relief to say this. I'm tired of being called Tayla. It's like the nickname you loath after you outgrow it. I guess that's it then, I've outgrown Tayla. I've outgrown the stupid idea that I could become someone else. I am me. That's all ever want to be, all I ever need to be. Me. Me. Me. Kristen.
I am not a white crayon anymore, in fact if I had to pick a color I'd say that I'm a mahogany red crayon. A color that you have to see.  I don't hide in corners anymore, I don't try not to be seen. I don't try to be a paper cutout of everyone else. I am my own original. That's really why I'm letting Tayla go, I don't need her anymore. I don't have to hide behind a flimsy paper cutout because I have discovered myself.
Now you can go on and call me a liar, I guess I am. I should have told the truth about me, but I wasn't ready. I am a liar to myself for thinking that I could ever grow out of me. I'm letting this go because I need to move on with the rest of my life. Tayla will not be moving on with me. She's like an old loved shirt I don't need to wear anymore. Where I'll go from here, I'm not really sure, but it is a relief to let this go. I've been debating this post for quite a while and now that I'm writing it a heavy load has been lifted from my shoulders. I can now introduce myself completely and wholly as me.
And I suppose I need to do that now, introduce me.
Hi, my name is Kristen Cox. I am the eighteen-year-old author of Winter Soul, coming out on March 16th of this year. I am a bright red crayon you can't miss. I am happy with what I do and more importantly I am happy with me, there isn't a thing about myself that I would change. My name is Kristen Cox and I am not hiding anymore.

Goodbye, Tayla Durham, you can lay to rest with all the other insecurities that have plagued me for my teenage years. I don't need you anymore. I don't want you anymore. Rest in peace, you served me well.

I am Kristen, hear me roar!

Reason behind madness

I caught another cold, it's why I haven't been as busy on Blogger as normal. It's been exactly one month since my family caught swine flu (and we didn't know we had it until about 2 weeks later) and I'm sick again. Whoopee.
Still not one hundred percent better. I've had a fever (a low one, but still an annoying one) for two days, maybe three, I haven't checked today. I've also been really busy writing Winter Soul, and do you know how hard it is to concentrate on a glowing white screen while you have a fever? Very difficult. I wrote some intense action scenes while it felt like my head was burning up (how I feel right now ;D) so yeah, long story short, not a happy camper.
Now please excuse me whilst I go play with snowflakes. ;) I'll share the reason for this madness later.

The Story of Me

I was once a man like you

I did what the living tend to

I had breath, a beating heart

Until all light left, and life did depart

I became bound to an icy plain.

A Winter Soul wracked with pain.

 

I am no longer a man like you

I do what the undead tend to

I have no breath, or heart to beat

You enjoy light, it’s the darkness I greet

I am blind, left in the cold to wander

A taunted shadow, a deadened monster.

 

Men run in terror as they should

They see only darkness in my hood

I am more than what eyes will view

It a truth that I have told to few

This story is not pretty, I never meant it to be

I am the Secret Keeper. This is the story of me

The Beginnings of A Winter Soul.

Yeah, I've been lazy on my posts, but I've been kind of busy with a new project. It's not ready yet, it's taken some time, but the new version of Twisted is about a hundred times better than the one that's currently out there, trust me. ;)
Each chapter takes a really long time to edit, except for the two that only took 30 minutes each, which was really odd because others took an entire day! I've managed to toss in quite a bit more than in the other draft because I was rushing (never rush fine art!) in order to be done to meet my own impossible time frame. I'm being a bit looser. The new version of Twisted will be released either in late February or early March, which, if you watch the time frame in the book, is the exact time that it happens. March (pulling random numbers out of thin air...) 15th being the day that Aster the Terrible and Allie Taylor (two main characters) meet the Secret Keeper, thus beginning an epic quest. Mwahahaha!
And the book is no longer called Twisted. (Gasp, shocker!) I kind of hate that name now. The book series is still called (at least for now) the Twisted Series, but each book now has a new name. This will make library searches so much easier because it's a series with a defined name. Whoo.
Anyway, if you were paying attention to one of my earlier posts (like way, waaay back) I mentioned that if I didn't call my book Twisted I'd call it Winter Soul.
Yes. My book is now Winter Soul. It explains more than what Twisted did. Besides, Winter Soul has a kind of elegance you'd never get from twisted.
I even came up with a new blurb, mind you, it's really rough.

Winter Soul is the story of a man who lost his soul and became a monster and it's about the thief and girl who are trapped in a quest to save a kingdom with him.

Very rough right now, the manuscript is better. ;)
 I'd upload a picture, but my dad's computer has issues with doing things like that (old, gasping geezer computer! But better than my dinosaur one)
The picture on the right with Winter Soul in the middle is a little cover blurb I created. Can you tell what it is? Leave a comment below telling me if you can, I'd like to use some elements from it for the new cover.

Going Nowhere

You know how you have days where it seems that nothing can go wrong? Obviously life will take a turn for the opposite.

For every step I take

Two more are trod backwards

Going nowhere

 

 

Person, "How are you today, Tayla?"

Me, "Oh I'm just tired."

Tired of walking and going nowhere, tired of trying and having nothing happens. Tired of waking up to go through the same thing everyday. Tired of waiting with no end in sight. Tired of watching other people succeed as I walk on my lonely broken street. Tired of not being important enough. Tired of screaming and not being heard.

I'm just tired.

Thanks for asking.



Exam

I have exams this week so I won't be posting much. I'll try. I'm trying to fit writing in between studying and I'm rewriting Twisted, because my sister pointed out that there was a lot missing and she's right. I was trying to hard to make Aster likable that I forgot to let him be himself. He's a quirky thief, really smart, a tad bit like me, he knows some impressively big words despite being an illiterate.
So thank you to my sister who always seems to know more about my books than I do. :)
Also another blog name change, it's going to be called Winter Soul. I'll explain why in a later post. Long story short, I don't like the name Twisted anymore. In fact, I kind of hate it. So yeah.
I also found this amazing video on YouTube, as I take a break from posting in order to study (oh yay) you should watch it.
Oh, final question, what would you call a plague that's been killing people for two hundred years? I need a new name. It used to be called viper plague, but that doesn't make any sense because it originated from a place where it's too cold for snakes! I'll use a good suggested name in my book!
Here's that movie. Lizzie is inspiring!

Change!

Okay, not going to say much now, but I'm making some major changes to Twisted.
First and foremost (warn your friends!) I'm going to be pulling it off of the market temporarily. It has come to my attention that there are still some ridiculously embarrassing typo errors in the book.
(my face is a flaming picture of beauty.)
The typos came from me being frustrated and not taking the time it took to look through it properly because I thought I was done
(Dumb, dumb, dumb, fist to forehead)
And I didn't have that many people read through what I thought was the final copy. Well be known, I WON'T make that mistake again. I've also found myself a new editor who is a little harsher than my other one because I asked her to be and because she knows my book really, REALLY, well. Heck, she named about half of my characters, so yeah.
Anyway.
More changes.
I will be adding pictures...(say it with me, oooh pictures) a few I will be previewing on my Facebook page. (Oooh pictures)
I will be adding fancy new fonts (oooh, just kidding)
And...dadada! A new cover!
In other words I'm making my book everything I want in other books. I like having pictures, fancy fonts, and stories that appeal to me. I will be changing the book size, the fonts, adding more, taking out, changing the page color. It will be the ultimate book.
The complete change will be unveiled very soon. But if you'll direct your eyeballs to the right side of the screen (if you're on a mobile device I don't know what side it's on...) it's a taste of what's coming.
Don't keep this quiet!
Tell your friends!
Send 'em here...
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Twisted/168658493335482?skip_nax_wizard=true


And thank you!
Oh and I'm changing the title of my blog to Tayla Durham--Author, just so there's no confusion, I'm still the Twisted Violinist, by my original idea for this blog has kind of disappeared. ;)

Hit and Rise

I did mean to post something yesterday, but I forgot...yeah, my brain. It's not functioning so well right now, you know, right after Christmas break and everything. I bet even rocket scientists are having a hard time getting up and going after two weeks worth of sleeping in.
On Monday I found some news that was incredibly startling and upsetting (putting it mildly) one of my friends is doing incredibly well with their interests. I'm not. It was a real hit to the face to see how well they were doing. I'm doing the best I can, why not me?
I was pretty well screaming why!? at God. It was probably the worst break down I've ever had. It felt so unfair that this person is doing so well in half the time it's taken me to get where I am now (still not so well) I was sobbing, those sobs where tears are falling and your mouth is hanging open but you're so heart broken you don't really consider breathing to be important. I jammed in the earbuds and listened to a song I put to rest about five years ago.
The song's about broken dreams and walking where no one else is. Exactly how I feel sometimes. Broken. Alone. Forgotten. I'm perfectly fine today because I'm writing the second book (not Entangled anymore) and I've managed to cook myself up a villain that scares me. Not in the Ahhh! It's a big eyeball called Sauron! kind of scary, it's the I'm terrified to be in the same room with you because of what you might do to me, kind of a fear. My villain is a conniving lying little demon! He's kind of like Maldor in Beyonders by Brandon Mull (great series BTW, I have a signed copy of the second book!) Maldor doesn't kill his enemies in the normal sense. He strips them of themselves.
The sting of the news still hurts at raw moments. I'm really happy for my friend, but I have to wonder why people keep getting what I'm working for. It's like they're not even trying while I'm sweating and working myself to death.
And I keep having these weird dreams.
It's a life and death kind of drama and I know how to solve the problem.
Make it all go away.
But when I try telling the people around me in my dream they won't listen. I start screaming at them, but they can't hear me. Won't hear me. It's kind of scary in the dream, especially when your siblings are being cooked and are dying or having their minds controlled by some powerful evil source.
I scream and I scream, they won't hear a thing.
I don't wake up frustrated, just a little baffled and annoyed at my iPod for doing its duty as an alarm.
What does it mean?

New Year

Hey ya'll.  Yeah I know it's been a while since I posted anything, but I kind of wanted a break from the internet and social networking, I'm back now since school is starting again tomorrow. :(
Well I hope your New Year celebration was better than my family's, we were all too sick to really do anything beyond cough and light fireworks that were incredibly lame. We did roast marshmallows over a candle which was reasonably fun and odd and shouted at the New Year criers in our neighborhood, also enjoyable. Hehehe. ;)
Though I do have sad news. My computer has been retired. If you remember I've been writing on a Windows '98 for the past three years, and yes I wrote Twisted on a computer as old as my house. It began making some worrying noises, so I gave up on it and retired it. The hardest part was saying farewell to my old keyboard. I'm not used to the new one that my brother is letting me use.
Yeah. I'll probably write more tomorrow, I'm not looking forward to going back to school. I'm really sick of financial lit. It's REALLY depressing and I'm TIRED of it. Oh and I went to a place asking for a job and haha get this, the website said that they're hiring but when I went there and asked this mooching woman (before I could finish my sentence, mind you) said "Look online to see who's hiring because we're not hiring right now."
A little fumbled I replied, "But you're website said that you were." (five bucks says that the website has been changed.)
They handed me an application and I was like glad I got all prettied up for this, because before I went there I was all set on spending the day in my pajamas. So thank you lady. Not so sure I want to work there now.
There has to be somewhere that needs me right? Seriously. Now I can see why people get frustrated by job searches.
Well that is my goal for this lovely year. Get a job, work my hiney off so I can start college in the fall semester.
Which also reminds me of a little irritation I got during the holiday break. I'm a very unique person (how unique you might ask? Well today I chopped off the toes of those weird toe socks and I'm using them as fingerless gloves. Unique) and sometimes people can't handle that uniqueness and apparently my cousins are some of them. Every family part without fail they treat me like I'm that pile of dog doo sitting on the sidewalk. I wandered from room to room during that unfortunate family party wondering why I had been so set on going and talking to my grandmother.
I guess it's also because big words like to crop up into my conversations. I'm not the smartest cookie on the plate, but since I began writing I know a lot of big words (like supercalfragilusexpect...something) and when I try to joke with my cousins they just stare at me like I grew another head.
What makes it worse is that my siblings do it too. Ugh! I was trying to joke with my siblings and cousins, but every time I tried, BAM! they just blinked at me and gave me that polite laugh that I really, really hate. I'd prefer it if they didn't laugh at all. I'm trying to get over my shy mode. I no longer sit and stew over how I wished people like me. I'm tired of the endless worries about what people are thinking about me and why they don't like me. I don't care.
This I don't care, can't make me care attitude has apparently been noticed, one day in class while having one of those stupid write what you like about this person tralalla! sessions of torture one person wrote on my card how she liked that I am me.
And apparently myself is not cool enough to meet with the high standards of my cousins. Tayla says sniffily. Big deal. If they're not willing to accept me in my weirdness that's their problem. I'm tired of being knocked down by idiots who can't accept me as me.
Long story short I'm trying my best not to be that shy little girl in the corner anymore. I realized that I've grown up this holiday break. I slapped on an itchy sweater I got for Christmas looked in the mirror and realized whoa! I'm curvy! it was an odd realization. I've grown up. I've realized I'm not fat, I'm curvy and I will probably forever remain 5'4 but I've realized that I no longer care about wishing myself to be someone else. I'm happy as I am. I've found out what it means to be Tayla Durham and I don't want to change that.

Christmas

Rest assured, I did have a great Christmas and I got what I really wanted, to get over my writer's block. I've been stuck with it for a month and it sucked. :)
Other than that I did get some really awesome stuff like Lindsey Stirling's deluxe CD. Well worth it, trust me. Oh and I got all of the Lord of the Rings movies (the first one I got for my birthday) and I squealed when I got the final two.
I'm not going to write much today. I've caught an awful cold that is either a throat cold or a chest cold. Not sure which. The only bonus is that I don't have a stuffy nose. Last night I had a fever of 100. something I was weak all over and I was dizzy. It made grocery shopping (I didn't think my fever was that bad!) fun. I was so dizzy, but having some great fun with the cart. My dad is a speed shopper when it comes to grocery shopping, keeping up with him is like trying catch a spooked horse.
Yes. I think my cold has just taken a turn for the worst. I feel kind of hot and cold. Ugh. I also have no voice, so I think I should lie down before I walk into a wall on accident.
Oh and thank you to all who commented on my last post. I'm trying to be positive, I really am. I woke up in a really good mood this morning despite the cold. =D

Holidays

Finally! Christmas break. Like last year I'm taking a break from posting, (at least for a little bit) because I need a break from all the endless stress.
Before you ask, no, I'm not okay. Things have taken a lovely turn for worse. I was told by the stupid company that I don't have anything their looking for (ouch) someone left a terrible comment on a photography blog that I have (double ouch) and they're testing my dad for skin cancer.
Huzzah.
And really that's no half of what's bugging me.
So I'd like a break from all that, you know? Uck.
But anyway, merry Christmas. If you don't celebrate Christmas then Happy Holidays and have a wonderful New Year (yeesh, too many capitals letters) seriously. Don't stay down because we're celebrating the birth of Light and the world is filled with a lot of dark.
I do have something positive to announce. I can play Song of the Caged Bird by Lindsey Stirling. It's full of sixteenth notes and I really hadn't had much experience with them until now, (what's faster than a sixteenth note? Anyone?) and I feel like the song really fits me.
I'm a caged bird.
Here's  how I really feel. Mad World for a caged bird.

Why?

I work
I sweat
I try
Someone else gets the result

I claw
I struggle
I rise
Someone else gets the break

I fall
I cry
I try again
Someone else gets the raise

Why?

I work hard
I don't quit

I'm not easy come
Nor easy go

Why can't I get the break?

When will it be my turn

Or have I been

f
o
r
g
o
t
t
e
n
?

I struggle
I yearn
I ask
Someone else gets answers

I pray
I see
I hear
Someone else is getting it again

Dark clouds
Over me

S
m
o
t
h
e
r
i
n
g
!

I breath in
I let it out
I exist
Someone else lives

C
h
a
n
g
e
!
?

Why?
When?
Why not?

Someone else gets it again

Crushed.
Why not me?

Tunnel

I'm sorry I went so long without posting anything, this one isn't going to be too long because it's nighttime and I need to go to bed now or I'll spend the night cleaning my room because I can't sleep. I think I've run out things to clean, though which is sad. My room looks really good though. :)
Long story short about the reasons I haven't posted anything for a while, I was lazy, I was sad, I forgot. ;D
I went to Temple Square to see the lights today. It was the first time my family has gone anywhere as a whole for a really long time. The lights were really awesome, but Salt Lake City was so smoggy and gross. It smelled like an open sewer had been left to rot under the open sun! I hate smog. Really hate it! It's so smoggy it looks like fog, but it's not! Gerross! (say it out loud and it will make sense)
I also saw the Hobbit the Desolation of Smaug on Friday, yes the day after it came out. Hehe. First time I've done that (I think) and it was the first Lord of the Rings movie I've seen in theaters. I was too young when the original movies came out and I didn't care when the first Hobbit movie came out.
Dorky moment, when Gandalf mentioned the Nine, I cheered, in public, not loudly, by my siblings rolled their eyes. Anyone who saw that would've thought I was voting for the enemy (hehehe)

Hurting

Hurting Me

You say that what you do
What you say
How you act
Day by day
Is the best for me

According to you
We dream the same dreams
Live the same way
But what I say
What I do
Is so different from you

You're hurting me
Everything I dream
Everything I want to be
I am less like you than I seem.
I am squandered
Pushed aside.

Deemed as not
For someone who wants
What I have barely got

Your actions
Your words
Even the air you breathe
Profits only you
Reactions
Your lies are herds
Oh heathen! You blind fool.

If you could only see
How much you are hurting me

Yes it is true
I have very little trust in you
Every word that falls from your mouth
Is a stinging nettle in my ear
Why can't you see?
Your greed is killing me

I breathe.
I am
But my spirit is not
Because you have
What I have barely got

Thief
Your honor is not

Your eyes are wide open
Yet you cannot see
How badly you have hurt me

I have fallen
And what do you do?
You take what profits you
It is not best for me
Because I can see
Oh that I were blind
And could not!

Hurt

Ditched

So yeah, I just got more bad news. It's kind of like "ugghhh" and rolling my eyes at the same time. I applied for a job and guess what? So did NOT happen. I predicted that it wouldn't. I could even predict every word they said.
Am I surprised by this? Nope. Not in the least. I have this annoying knack for knowing things and I knew that the job wasn't going to happen. So to them thankssss through the teeth. Or better yet, no thanks for the afternoon that I WASTED on you. Enjoy what I gave you. It's all you're getting from me.
Now what?
This really puts a thorn in my side, and makes me hesitant to go looking anywhere else. What if they decide I'm not worth looking at either? Huzzah. I'm so thrilled at the idea.
But I'm not crushed. Seriously. I'm wearing a really cute outfit and my hair is finally cooperating with me (I KNEW getting layers cut in it was worth something) I cried a little, but they were angry, through the teeth tears. IE I'm more annoyed, irritated, and ready to stick out my tongue than anything else.
Childish, I know, but we should all be allowed moments of childishness.
I don't really have an up side to flip to now. Nothing terribly positive other than I solved my cannot-write-anything problem and yes, I am writing the second book of Twisted. I shall now revert you to my Facebook page because the current computer I'm on does not have the picture.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Twisted/168658493335482
I had to stop writing yesterday but I'm sitting quite nicely on chapter 2, though I may have to go to a scene where my villain (Amaarzar) is being his usual self. He's fairly aggressive so I could get out some of mine through writing about him. Better than strangling my poor pillow. It's flat enough already.
Yes. So this is my day. Ditched. Goes to show that you should not put your hope in certain things. I wasn't really hopeful, unless you count dry sarcasm as hope. Now what do I do?

To the people trying to smash me. Fire away, suckers. You can't keep me down.  :p
And I'm going to start a series of speed drawings on YouTube, if you've seen my cover (glance kindly towards to right side of the screen) and my map you'll see what I can do (yes, I drew both). Check it out! I'll try to have the first one post by Wednesday, possibly sooner. Like the undead? Yep. I'll be drawing them.

Decisions

I've been going through a long period of "not knowing" you know that stage most people go through as they try to figure out who they are and what they're going to do. That explains why most of my posts have been relatively on the negative side. It's been a constant fight with myself as both sides argued about what to do (dark side, light side.)
Give up or keep going?
I've come to the decision making point and I'm also melting. It's the nice high temperature of 14 degrees Fahrenheit where I am and I'm rolling up my sleeves and trying not to turn into a puddle of goo. Go figure. Our new furnace is working really, really well.
Yes. So my decisions.
I've decided that no matter what I'm going to do what makes me happy and like I've accomplished something. Thereby meaning, writing. Yes. I know I said I was going to quit, but I have this nasty habit of tossing up my hands whenever anything gets a little harder. My dad would probably say this is my biggest fault. eventually though I get back up, grit my teeth and get going.
It's been hard the past couple weeks because it seemed like what I was doing wasn't getting me anywhere. It was like I was stuck in a oval swimming pool, endlessly doing laps, wasting energy, but never going anywhere. I've finally realized I can get out of the water (thankfully! I hate getting wet unless I have to!) and move on with my life.
How did I come across this?
School.
Amazing right?
Yesterday I learned about colleges and student loans, grants, scholarships and I completely freaked out. I was all but ready to label myself as hopeless and toss myself into the street in front of an oncoming car. Today I'm a little more ready to see common sense.
I've been watching my sister in college.
It looks like work.
A lot of work.
A lot of busy work for nothing.
She wants to be an editor (yes! she'll edit my books and I can just hand her the manuscript and bug her about why it's taking so long) so why is she taking a time-consuming history class? Aye. It makes my brain hurt. Sure we need to be well-rounded, but I prefer doing that my own way, not some snobby college professor's.
My mom pointed out that there were tech schools and that she thought I wouldn't do well in a classroom setting like that. So true! I prefer getting my hands dirty (physically and metaphorically) than sitting in front of a desk tapping my pencil with absolute boredom as the teacher blahs on and on and on. So I think I'm going to go to a tech school, which is good because I plan on owning a horse soon (Amy, I will! =D because you know for the record, I could get a job soon, I did apply) and it's not even a question anymore.
I will own a horse.
One way or another.
And being in tech school where I'm only learning the stuff that I really need to know will help narrow down the time I'm there. I could get a degree in writing or possibly hair styling since I seem to be doing a lot of that lately.
Anyway, doing school today I was learning about career choices and I realized that I would never be happy in a "big money" job, working for someone else. I don't want to be a name and a picture, I want to mean something, so therefore when I am good enough I'm going to be a violin teacher. The violin has brought a lot of joy and satisfaction into my life, I can't help but want to share that.
I will always be an author. No worries for those of you waiting for the second book. I was born with words in my veins.
I am starting the second book (lousy iPod battery! it keeps popping up with the 20% left) today. It'll be another couple of months before you can hold it (sorry!) but at least you know it's a work in progress. All nine drafts of it.
Wow. I realized that's about 5,000 sheets of paper for all of those drafts for the second book alone. Entangled is probably my favorite, despite all the troubles I've had with it in the past. At least I have a well-rounded villain (Amaarzar wouldn't be happy with being called a bad guy only. Villains are better in the long run, think Darth Vadar, the Witch King of Angmar (haha) and Sauron, they're villains I'm attempting to model mine after)
So yeah. I've made my decisions. I don't want to work at a desk job. I WON'T work at a desk job. I'm not aiming to be the richest person alive, and even if I was I'd still be doing what I love. I don't want money, I want self-satisfaction in knowing that I did something most people haven't, even before I graduated from high school.
There's my decision. Make what you want of it.
Happy 20 days before Christmas =)
Do something to make someone smile, find the true spirit of Christmas.
My Facebook page for Twisted, as always, I'm trying to make it interesting.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Twisted/168658493335482?skip_nax_wizard=true
You can buy a copy of my book here,
http://www.amazon.com/Twisted-Tayla-Durham/dp/1493540467/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1386182494&sr=8-1&keywords=twisted+tayla+durham
Thanks, and please share! :)

Trying

Yes. I'm aware that my last few posts were very, very, very negative.
I'm trying not to do that anymore.
Seriously.
I've probably disappointed my parents and everyone else and I apologize. I didn't mean to do that. What you read from my last post was some great emotional backlash from unwanted pressure and build up of emotions.
After I got done writing the last post I grabbed my copy of Twisted and hurled it at my door. My door is where things tend to get chucked. I once threw my MP3 at it (another story for another time.) And the book ricocheted off of my door and landed splat in my garbage can.


Never Again

Here is visual proof. I know. Terrible picture, but what can you expect from an iPod?
At the time I was like "good!" while sobbing. I figured that's where trash needed to go.
My family had other ideas. I got...it was at least 30 minutes of a pep talk reminding me that I have only been published for a month. It takes time.
My personal copy of Twisted is incredibly beat up. I'm not going to quit. It's just taking a lot of grit teeth to keep going.
In other words I'm trying to fake it until I make it.
Which may take a while before I make it, but you know. Why not me? Why not Twisted?
Oh and for the record, it took me a really long time how to learn ricochet. It is not spelled the way it sounds. If it were it would probably look like this: ricoshay. =D  

Kick to the Face

Hey all, I hope you had a good Thanksgiving, ours was a little squeaky. Meaning that my little sister found a mouse in her room and was reasonably freaked out. We haven't found anymore mice, but it's a little worrisome. How did it get into our house? When the people came to deliver our furnace? In the box of homegrown apples we go?
No idea.
Otherwise Thanksgiving was okay. I love stuffing. Not even homemade. It's the cheap store-bought stuff, and it is delicious.
But not everything is hunky-dory.
I've been trying to avoid social media for the past three days. Not because I hate it, but because I didn't want to continue my trend of becoming increasingly grouchy as I looked at it. I managed to keep up a three day streak until I finally decided to look.
First thing. I only had one email.
One.
I know we shouldn't judge ourselves on how many emails we get, but that's still a little condemning. Ah, my trend as a nothing loser continues apparently.
What's more the email was like a kick to the face. Someone else getting what I wanted. I literally burst into tears. Funny how I haven't ever really done that before, bursting into tears I mean. Usually I have to want to cry and then they come out.
Not this time.
One email.
One harsh kick to the face.
The tears came out, nice and hard.
When will it finally be my turn? I have to keep wondering this. So many other people are getting breaks, but I'm still trudging through miles of thigh-deep mud. AAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
That's my vocalization for this moment.
Part of me wonders if it's even worth it anymore. Writing. So far it's only made me $75.08 (rough estimate) and left me dragging. Seriously. I sit in front of my computer and that snaky little voice in the back of my head whispers "why bother? No one will care!"
I wonder if I should listen to it.
When my computer finally dies I think that'll be it. My writing career over. No one cares anyway. If I suddenly quit it wouldn't be the end of the world for anyone.
I'll find a new hobby in fashion design maybe. I did learn how to turn boot cut jeans into skinny and to this point I have broken two sewing machine needles while doing so. I didn't manage to do it perfectly though. One pair flopped and so I mutilated it with a pair of scissors. All that time jabbing myself with pins wasted.
i.e. I feel like a failure. I did what I thought I loved and it flopped. Scissors can't take that sting away.
Funny how one email can crush the resolve I thought I had. When will I stop getting kicked in the face? Time and time again people who don't deserve it get what I have spent years longing for. I do a lot of work, I forgo sleep, social outings, and sometimes my sanity and nothing happens.
Ever feel like this? Like the heavens have put you on hold as you scream for help?
Yep.
That's me.
Kicked in the face.

Up and Not so At 'Em

I've been having a hard time keeping my head above the surface lately. I'm sure we've all had days like this. I've got good news though.
First and foremost, I couldn't sleep two nights ago so I got up and cleaned my closet. How is this good news? Well it's been a mess for...I'd say two years. Everything was packed in there with the shove it hard and then run concept. Well it's clean now. Voila. How clean? Well I didn't have extra shelves before. Everything was packed in tight. Now I have enough shelf space to empty out a bookshelf that I don't want in my room anymore.
Who knew a clean closet could make you happy?
I didn't even run into any spiders and you'd think that a closet that messy would be their dream home. No spiders, not even any webs. I've found more in my room. (Yuck!)
Second bit of good news. I may get a job. It's a writing job so I wouldn't have to leave my comfort zone. I have power with words. On days when I'm really into it I have the power to make my readers laugh, cry, feel angry, or find joy. So I figure why bother leaving my passion?
I'm not saying much about it now because I don't want to jinx myself. I don't know if I'm going to get hired and I'm not sure if I should be hopeful or dreading because in this economy...just kidding. When conversations start like that I generally roll my eyes and walk away.
I know it's time for me to get a job, and hopefully I won't have to go kicking and screaming as I was planning to before. This option kind of slapped me in the face and said "hello? Right here!"
Anyway, not really looking forward to Thanksgiving. Time of pleasure and joy right? Haha. Not really. It's been hard because of the sudden lack of Jason. Plus no one in my immediate family seems able to cook potatoes unless they're baked potatoes. On that note no one in my family seems to like potatoes that much either, even though we're 50% Idahoan on my mother's side.
Mashed potatoes are the main center piece to Thanksgiving right? Yuck. They're always, ALWAYS burnt. We sometimes joke that our dinner bell is a fire alarm because of the burnt potatoes.
Plus I'm getting tired of the over advertised Holidays. I was at a store with my dad and heard a commercial for fresh flowers. Get them fresh for Thanksgiving. It was about a week before the holiday. I rolled my eyes thinking that in a week your fresh flowers would be wilting a little. Ooh so fresh.
As for my last post. I'm better right now. It seems to be this roller coaster where I'm fine in the mornings but as the days wear on towards evening everything builds up leaving me with the sincere desire to scream. Last night I managed to fight it by writing. One of my characters (you don't know him yet) was going through the same thing I was. Fighting to stay above. I almost cried with him because I was able to express myself on a page.
See? That's what I love doing. Writing is something I don't ever want to quit. Twisted helped me survive losing a sister and growing up. I was able to channel frustrations into words. That book is probably the only reason I'm still here writing this right now and not in some loony bin. Angry? Frustrated? Sorry characters, it's being taken out on you. ;)
In other words, right now I'm treading water. The storm will start up again, a guarantee. Why am I so unable to handle what never bothered me before?