Christmas

Rest assured, I did have a great Christmas and I got what I really wanted, to get over my writer's block. I've been stuck with it for a month and it sucked. :)
Other than that I did get some really awesome stuff like Lindsey Stirling's deluxe CD. Well worth it, trust me. Oh and I got all of the Lord of the Rings movies (the first one I got for my birthday) and I squealed when I got the final two.
I'm not going to write much today. I've caught an awful cold that is either a throat cold or a chest cold. Not sure which. The only bonus is that I don't have a stuffy nose. Last night I had a fever of 100. something I was weak all over and I was dizzy. It made grocery shopping (I didn't think my fever was that bad!) fun. I was so dizzy, but having some great fun with the cart. My dad is a speed shopper when it comes to grocery shopping, keeping up with him is like trying catch a spooked horse.
Yes. I think my cold has just taken a turn for the worst. I feel kind of hot and cold. Ugh. I also have no voice, so I think I should lie down before I walk into a wall on accident.
Oh and thank you to all who commented on my last post. I'm trying to be positive, I really am. I woke up in a really good mood this morning despite the cold. =D

Holidays

Finally! Christmas break. Like last year I'm taking a break from posting, (at least for a little bit) because I need a break from all the endless stress.
Before you ask, no, I'm not okay. Things have taken a lovely turn for worse. I was told by the stupid company that I don't have anything their looking for (ouch) someone left a terrible comment on a photography blog that I have (double ouch) and they're testing my dad for skin cancer.
Huzzah.
And really that's no half of what's bugging me.
So I'd like a break from all that, you know? Uck.
But anyway, merry Christmas. If you don't celebrate Christmas then Happy Holidays and have a wonderful New Year (yeesh, too many capitals letters) seriously. Don't stay down because we're celebrating the birth of Light and the world is filled with a lot of dark.
I do have something positive to announce. I can play Song of the Caged Bird by Lindsey Stirling. It's full of sixteenth notes and I really hadn't had much experience with them until now, (what's faster than a sixteenth note? Anyone?) and I feel like the song really fits me.
I'm a caged bird.
Here's  how I really feel. Mad World for a caged bird.

Why?

I work
I sweat
I try
Someone else gets the result

I claw
I struggle
I rise
Someone else gets the break

I fall
I cry
I try again
Someone else gets the raise

Why?

I work hard
I don't quit

I'm not easy come
Nor easy go

Why can't I get the break?

When will it be my turn

Or have I been

f
o
r
g
o
t
t
e
n
?

I struggle
I yearn
I ask
Someone else gets answers

I pray
I see
I hear
Someone else is getting it again

Dark clouds
Over me

S
m
o
t
h
e
r
i
n
g
!

I breath in
I let it out
I exist
Someone else lives

C
h
a
n
g
e
!
?

Why?
When?
Why not?

Someone else gets it again

Crushed.
Why not me?

Tunnel

I'm sorry I went so long without posting anything, this one isn't going to be too long because it's nighttime and I need to go to bed now or I'll spend the night cleaning my room because I can't sleep. I think I've run out things to clean, though which is sad. My room looks really good though. :)
Long story short about the reasons I haven't posted anything for a while, I was lazy, I was sad, I forgot. ;D
I went to Temple Square to see the lights today. It was the first time my family has gone anywhere as a whole for a really long time. The lights were really awesome, but Salt Lake City was so smoggy and gross. It smelled like an open sewer had been left to rot under the open sun! I hate smog. Really hate it! It's so smoggy it looks like fog, but it's not! Gerross! (say it out loud and it will make sense)
I also saw the Hobbit the Desolation of Smaug on Friday, yes the day after it came out. Hehe. First time I've done that (I think) and it was the first Lord of the Rings movie I've seen in theaters. I was too young when the original movies came out and I didn't care when the first Hobbit movie came out.
Dorky moment, when Gandalf mentioned the Nine, I cheered, in public, not loudly, by my siblings rolled their eyes. Anyone who saw that would've thought I was voting for the enemy (hehehe)

Hurting

Hurting Me

You say that what you do
What you say
How you act
Day by day
Is the best for me

According to you
We dream the same dreams
Live the same way
But what I say
What I do
Is so different from you

You're hurting me
Everything I dream
Everything I want to be
I am less like you than I seem.
I am squandered
Pushed aside.

Deemed as not
For someone who wants
What I have barely got

Your actions
Your words
Even the air you breathe
Profits only you
Reactions
Your lies are herds
Oh heathen! You blind fool.

If you could only see
How much you are hurting me

Yes it is true
I have very little trust in you
Every word that falls from your mouth
Is a stinging nettle in my ear
Why can't you see?
Your greed is killing me

I breathe.
I am
But my spirit is not
Because you have
What I have barely got

Thief
Your honor is not

Your eyes are wide open
Yet you cannot see
How badly you have hurt me

I have fallen
And what do you do?
You take what profits you
It is not best for me
Because I can see
Oh that I were blind
And could not!

Hurt

Ditched

So yeah, I just got more bad news. It's kind of like "ugghhh" and rolling my eyes at the same time. I applied for a job and guess what? So did NOT happen. I predicted that it wouldn't. I could even predict every word they said.
Am I surprised by this? Nope. Not in the least. I have this annoying knack for knowing things and I knew that the job wasn't going to happen. So to them thankssss through the teeth. Or better yet, no thanks for the afternoon that I WASTED on you. Enjoy what I gave you. It's all you're getting from me.
Now what?
This really puts a thorn in my side, and makes me hesitant to go looking anywhere else. What if they decide I'm not worth looking at either? Huzzah. I'm so thrilled at the idea.
But I'm not crushed. Seriously. I'm wearing a really cute outfit and my hair is finally cooperating with me (I KNEW getting layers cut in it was worth something) I cried a little, but they were angry, through the teeth tears. IE I'm more annoyed, irritated, and ready to stick out my tongue than anything else.
Childish, I know, but we should all be allowed moments of childishness.
I don't really have an up side to flip to now. Nothing terribly positive other than I solved my cannot-write-anything problem and yes, I am writing the second book of Twisted. I shall now revert you to my Facebook page because the current computer I'm on does not have the picture.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Twisted/168658493335482
I had to stop writing yesterday but I'm sitting quite nicely on chapter 2, though I may have to go to a scene where my villain (Amaarzar) is being his usual self. He's fairly aggressive so I could get out some of mine through writing about him. Better than strangling my poor pillow. It's flat enough already.
Yes. So this is my day. Ditched. Goes to show that you should not put your hope in certain things. I wasn't really hopeful, unless you count dry sarcasm as hope. Now what do I do?

To the people trying to smash me. Fire away, suckers. You can't keep me down.  :p
And I'm going to start a series of speed drawings on YouTube, if you've seen my cover (glance kindly towards to right side of the screen) and my map you'll see what I can do (yes, I drew both). Check it out! I'll try to have the first one post by Wednesday, possibly sooner. Like the undead? Yep. I'll be drawing them.

Decisions

I've been going through a long period of "not knowing" you know that stage most people go through as they try to figure out who they are and what they're going to do. That explains why most of my posts have been relatively on the negative side. It's been a constant fight with myself as both sides argued about what to do (dark side, light side.)
Give up or keep going?
I've come to the decision making point and I'm also melting. It's the nice high temperature of 14 degrees Fahrenheit where I am and I'm rolling up my sleeves and trying not to turn into a puddle of goo. Go figure. Our new furnace is working really, really well.
Yes. So my decisions.
I've decided that no matter what I'm going to do what makes me happy and like I've accomplished something. Thereby meaning, writing. Yes. I know I said I was going to quit, but I have this nasty habit of tossing up my hands whenever anything gets a little harder. My dad would probably say this is my biggest fault. eventually though I get back up, grit my teeth and get going.
It's been hard the past couple weeks because it seemed like what I was doing wasn't getting me anywhere. It was like I was stuck in a oval swimming pool, endlessly doing laps, wasting energy, but never going anywhere. I've finally realized I can get out of the water (thankfully! I hate getting wet unless I have to!) and move on with my life.
How did I come across this?
School.
Amazing right?
Yesterday I learned about colleges and student loans, grants, scholarships and I completely freaked out. I was all but ready to label myself as hopeless and toss myself into the street in front of an oncoming car. Today I'm a little more ready to see common sense.
I've been watching my sister in college.
It looks like work.
A lot of work.
A lot of busy work for nothing.
She wants to be an editor (yes! she'll edit my books and I can just hand her the manuscript and bug her about why it's taking so long) so why is she taking a time-consuming history class? Aye. It makes my brain hurt. Sure we need to be well-rounded, but I prefer doing that my own way, not some snobby college professor's.
My mom pointed out that there were tech schools and that she thought I wouldn't do well in a classroom setting like that. So true! I prefer getting my hands dirty (physically and metaphorically) than sitting in front of a desk tapping my pencil with absolute boredom as the teacher blahs on and on and on. So I think I'm going to go to a tech school, which is good because I plan on owning a horse soon (Amy, I will! =D because you know for the record, I could get a job soon, I did apply) and it's not even a question anymore.
I will own a horse.
One way or another.
And being in tech school where I'm only learning the stuff that I really need to know will help narrow down the time I'm there. I could get a degree in writing or possibly hair styling since I seem to be doing a lot of that lately.
Anyway, doing school today I was learning about career choices and I realized that I would never be happy in a "big money" job, working for someone else. I don't want to be a name and a picture, I want to mean something, so therefore when I am good enough I'm going to be a violin teacher. The violin has brought a lot of joy and satisfaction into my life, I can't help but want to share that.
I will always be an author. No worries for those of you waiting for the second book. I was born with words in my veins.
I am starting the second book (lousy iPod battery! it keeps popping up with the 20% left) today. It'll be another couple of months before you can hold it (sorry!) but at least you know it's a work in progress. All nine drafts of it.
Wow. I realized that's about 5,000 sheets of paper for all of those drafts for the second book alone. Entangled is probably my favorite, despite all the troubles I've had with it in the past. At least I have a well-rounded villain (Amaarzar wouldn't be happy with being called a bad guy only. Villains are better in the long run, think Darth Vadar, the Witch King of Angmar (haha) and Sauron, they're villains I'm attempting to model mine after)
So yeah. I've made my decisions. I don't want to work at a desk job. I WON'T work at a desk job. I'm not aiming to be the richest person alive, and even if I was I'd still be doing what I love. I don't want money, I want self-satisfaction in knowing that I did something most people haven't, even before I graduated from high school.
There's my decision. Make what you want of it.
Happy 20 days before Christmas =)
Do something to make someone smile, find the true spirit of Christmas.
My Facebook page for Twisted, as always, I'm trying to make it interesting.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Twisted/168658493335482?skip_nax_wizard=true
You can buy a copy of my book here,
http://www.amazon.com/Twisted-Tayla-Durham/dp/1493540467/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1386182494&sr=8-1&keywords=twisted+tayla+durham
Thanks, and please share! :)

Trying

Yes. I'm aware that my last few posts were very, very, very negative.
I'm trying not to do that anymore.
Seriously.
I've probably disappointed my parents and everyone else and I apologize. I didn't mean to do that. What you read from my last post was some great emotional backlash from unwanted pressure and build up of emotions.
After I got done writing the last post I grabbed my copy of Twisted and hurled it at my door. My door is where things tend to get chucked. I once threw my MP3 at it (another story for another time.) And the book ricocheted off of my door and landed splat in my garbage can.


Never Again

Here is visual proof. I know. Terrible picture, but what can you expect from an iPod?
At the time I was like "good!" while sobbing. I figured that's where trash needed to go.
My family had other ideas. I got...it was at least 30 minutes of a pep talk reminding me that I have only been published for a month. It takes time.
My personal copy of Twisted is incredibly beat up. I'm not going to quit. It's just taking a lot of grit teeth to keep going.
In other words I'm trying to fake it until I make it.
Which may take a while before I make it, but you know. Why not me? Why not Twisted?
Oh and for the record, it took me a really long time how to learn ricochet. It is not spelled the way it sounds. If it were it would probably look like this: ricoshay. =D